My apologies for this being really, really long. But my teeth were just a disaster from beginning to end.
As long as my time with braces (9-17) was, I actually enjoyed them at times. For those lucky enough to have avoided them, here is how braces basically work…
They first take two metal rings, coat them in glue, and wedge them over the molars farthest back. These needed to be very tight fitting, so this process was exactly as fun as it sounds. They were basically hammered on (coming off was even worse, and required pliers and lots of tooth scraping sounds and sensations, you’re welcome!). I found a picture! Yay! Oh man, I’m way too excited about this, memories!
So the bands are what I’ve been talking about, and they have little tubes attached to them on the outside. So next came the little metal bits they glue to each tooth called brackets. This part is relatively painless, which is good because the ABSOLUTE WORST PART CAME NEXT. In order to attach these brackets together and get your teeth straight, they added the wire, which you can see above.
So the wire was attached to each bracket with a rubber band. I LOVED these things when I was a kid. I got rubber bands that were the color of whatever holiday was coming up. Since this stuff had to be adjusted fairly regularly, I got to change the colors a lot. My favorite was always Halloween, with black and orange. My least favorite was Valentine’s Day, because I’d get pink and purple and I didn’t even like that combination, but I was devoted to the tradition. Oh, and I always alternated the colors. Never one color all the way across like the picture, that is no fun. Of course this probably just made me look like I had food in my teeth all the time, but I loved it up until high school when I realized braces were not cool and started getting the extremely lame clear bands and feeling bad about my braces the way every high-school braces-wearer eventually will. (though I always found braces on other people cute)
In case you can’t tell, I’m avoiding talking about the worst part. Ok, here it is… So the wire was U-shaped, and the orthodontist would put the ends of the wire into the tubes on the bands on your back molars (as you can see in the picture). Then he would push the wire up against the brackets and start attaching it with the rubber bands. Why was this so awful? Well the orthodontist had to leave the wire long so that he didn’t underestimate how much he needed. So in the back of your mouth, behind your molars, the wire would be jabbing you where your top and bottom jaw met.
I had two orthodontists as a kid. The first one would try to cut the wire down as soon as possible. This was also an awful experience. Imagine you are being jabbed with a sharp piece of metal, imagine then that someone has to cut it from an awkward angle with something fairly blunt. Usually this led to at least one more good stab before it was over. But my second orthodontist left the wire long until he had rubber banded it to each bracket. Ow.
Anyway, after all this, I would go home and my teeth would start to aaaache. I can only describe it as being like a really sore muscle, always flexing, and your face. This would last a couple days.
I also got to have a palate expander. These come into play when your mouth is too narrow. here is a picture, because I have no idea how to describe it –
It looks a little bit like those things in the Alien movies that attach to your face. They come with a little key, and every day you put the key into the expander and pull it forward a couple times, which pushes out the metal arms, thus expanding your palate. It is kind of genius actually and less painful than it sounds, though it gave me a slight lisp. I also got to have the rubber bands that attach your top and bottom teeth together to pull them downward.
I did avoid head gear and never had a cavity. Random bright spots.
But no braces wearer avoids retainers. Ugh, retainers were awful. After you got your braces off you got a retainer, which helped your teeth retain their shape, but clicked on and off. I got a clear retainer at one point that was clear plastic that fitted over your teeth, but it fitted too closely and I couldn’t get it off. My mom and my orthodontist thought I was overreacting and sent me home with it, so I managed to pull it on and off a few times. Finally the thing just refused to come off. My Mom realized I wasn’t messing around and made an appointment with the skeptical orthodontist. As he was trying to get the retainer off, he pulled out one of my canine teeth, then had the nerve to act like it was no big deal because it was a baby tooth. Dude. Your retainer pulled out one of my teeth, own your screw ups.
When I finally got my braces off, I had some follow up care but finally had my last visit to the orthodontist. My orthodontist told me I should wear my retainer at least a few times a week for the rest of my life. Yea, that lasted less than a year before I lost my retainer and never worried about it again because I WAS NOT BRINGING THAT THING TO COLLEGE.
Of course before I could leave braces behind, I had to have jaw surgery. Basically I had a slight underbite and my upper jaw was tilted back and right. I looked normal on the outside, but on the inside my teeth would never be right unless they full on sawed my upper jaw off, so that’s what they did. They were going to do it to both jaws, but my oral surgeon said, and I quote, “we thought her jaws were both crooked, but it turns out it was just her smile.” Sigh. So they put me under, sawed my upper jaw off my skull, repositioned it, and screwed it back on with about 40 tiny metal screws that are still in my face. It occurs to me that I should get a new dentist and not tell them about it and see if I can freak them out with my x-rays.
After a hospital stay where my memories consist of my mother sleeping next to my bed and Dr. Trollop and another friend of mine stopping by so I could say, “njeiwnijshur?” and then pass out again (did you guys bring me a giant card, or was I hallucinating?), I went home for a summer of looking like a chipmunk. Oh, and in the hospital when I was lucid again, they brought me lemon sorbet in a hollowed out lemon, it was awesome. My hometown’s hospital was really, really nice.
After my jaw surgery the oral surgeon broke the news that I was missing a bottom tooth, it just never came in. As a result, they would have to put a screw into my bottom jaw and attach a fake tooth to it, otherwise my other bottom teeth would drift around willy nilly. I cried, because this was pretty much the last straw after many years of dental misery. Fortunately this went smoothly and relatively painlessly and my fake tooth seems to be happy. I’ve never been back to an orthodonist or oral surgeon. My teeth have moved a bit on the bottom, but I hope my upper teeth stay put so I never, ever have to go back to braces again.
So tell me, does anyone reading this have a worse history of orthodontia than I?
I didn’t wear my retainer. My tooth has started to turn inwards again and the front bottom is a bit of a mess. I’m still debating getting it redone as an adult.